Why, Universe, Why?

I thought, mistakenly, that the stars had aligned for me again. Apparently, as usual, I was wrong. We're dealing with the "situation" again. Including everything, this makes 8. Two more and we'll be in the double digits. All I can say is, WTF. I am is a funk right now. I feel nothing. I know this is because I am in shock. I am out of ideas. I am completely drained. All I can do is hope, and I have little of that right now. I fear the worst, because that's how I am programmed. To make matters worse, I am completely exhausted. I don't think I slept a wink last night. Please. Please. Please.

I said no...again

I turned down an opportunity to have another conversation. Even though it sucks that most of my leads are cool, or completely stone-cold, I didn't feel that this was the right opportunity. I feel better, but I'm still stressed. What if this ends up biting me in the ass?

I couldn't proceed, in good consciousness. I hate being led on, and I didn't want to do this to these people. Having integrity sometimes sucks.
Gotta believe that "the one" for me is out there. I hope.

Still in the same place...and no, I didn't keep my promise

It's now almost 4 months later and I am still in the same place. I've talked to people, spun my wheels, and have had the door slammed in my face more times than I'd care to count. I come across good on paper, but not so great in person, I've learned. I babble and I don't express myself well. Not good on my feet.

I have not treated myself with kindness. Feel guity when I do something "nice" for myself. Feel like I don't deserve it. Feel panicked most of the time. Wake up in the middle of the night, grinding my teeth and feeling like I'm going crazy. Eat way too much junk food, too.

I find it interesting how some people manage to walk into jobs, even after taking ten freaking years off. I've been working the whole time, yet I seem to be supremely underqualified to do really anything in my field.

Speaking of which, I really don't know why I chose this field in the first place. Really wish I'd done something different. Feels like it is too late now.

I am almost always sad. Not good.

Here I am again...

...ending the year the same way that I started it. Silly me for believing that things would be different this time. I am and will always be a failure.  

I've promised myself that I will give myself a break over the holidays. I will treat myself with kindness. Let's see if I can keep *that* promise.

My ego is bruised and may be beyond repair this time. I'm tired of starting over, only to keep failing. I'm getting too old for this.

I want to change my life, but I don't know how. I've invested too much time and effort. I feel lost. I need to find my way once and for all.